Ten Years Post Mission

Hey PPM,

 

I’m grateful that I was able to tune in to the meeting on Zoom. Thank you to everyone who made that possible. Over the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts about the mission 10 years later. This could use a ton of editing and revision, but I’ll probably never share it if I start down that path. I’m often self-conscious about posting anything because I worry if I sound sincere, or if I even am sincere; I question my own motives, or feel like nobody needs my input. But in the spirit of OYM and in light of an almost decade since one of the most powerful experiences of my life, I’ll let it just be what it is.

 Do you ever wonder what your missionary self would think if you could meet with them for a 5-minute chat about the next 10 years they’re about to step into? I would enjoy showing up to that meeting in my military uniform, just to witness the horror in his eyes when he realizes that 1) he joins the USAF and 2) the mustache is, in fact, real. One Elder Vassallo, wearing the missionary uniform of the Lord in 2015; and the other, SSgt Vassallo, wearing the uniform of war in 2024. This face-off is essentially what has been happening inside my heart ever since the mission, and I don’t doubt that this may be a common experience for many RMs. Unfortunately, I’ve also realized that this sort of self-comparison can be a great tool for the adversary to bring us down. For fun, I figured I would tap out what that meeting might look like in part:

 

“What disaster could have befallen us that this is the result?” Elder V asks while staring intently at my upper lip.

 

“Haha, I know, I know, but I promise it makes sense later. Don’t worry though, you’ll be good, and the Air Force thing was a necessity, but it has also turned out better than you could hope for.” I think I would give him an embrace at this point. I’m sure he would ask a series of questions like: 
“Are we okay? Is our wife nice—wait, are we even married yet?! How often do you go to the temple? Where are you living? Do you have your degree? Do you have 12 kids yet? What is your calling?”

 

I used to think there wasn’t anything of value I could say to Elder V in these conversations. It’s easy for me to see him as my best version, but I’ve become determined that this is false and unfair to myself. I need to clarify some feelings so my answer to Elder V is framed properly. The state of living in that missionary bubble is difficult to break away from. It’s especially challenging if you happen to have a serious spiritual accident shortly after taking off your tag—it can be devastating. Even just stepping into a vastly different culture can be severely dangerous to one’s mind and spiritual well-being. Military RMs come to mind, and my heart goes out to them. Elder Jack Brown comes to mind often when I think about this kind of difficult spiritual situation—the army culture is not kind to RMs. The starkly different spiritual climates one experiences by transitioning from mission-bubble to war-bubble can’t be much other than spiritually devastating—even to the best of us. This may be one of my biggest problems with the mission structure: it sets you up so high that any little blunder can feel a lot bigger than perhaps it needs to. We should not compare ourselves to who we were in that bubble, and if we do, we should at least arm ourselves with self-compassion to help cushion the blow. Over time, I’ve realized that I haven’t been forsaken; I’m not lesser than my past self, and I’ve grown a ton more since PPM, even though I may be a bit more temporally focused. I also don’t mean to say that the mission is easy. We all know it can be extremely difficult, but our job was to delve into something so spiritually rich that when it ended, the reality of regular temporal endeavors is a significant shock. We spent a significant amount of time (years) refining our spiritual balance only to be dropped off at the airport with a pat on the back. Some of us didn’t have families who even understood what we were doing for all that time and if that’s you my heart goes out to you because I feel your pain. With these things in mind, perhaps I would say something like this in answer to Elder Vassallo’s questions:

 

“Elder, we are okay! And yes, we are married. We haven’t been to the temple in almost 8 years, and we don’t currently own garments, but we are working on those things. We aren’t married in the temple, Elder. Your wife loves you and is beautiful, and she has two boys you will love. It’s your little garden, okay? And it’s all you can handle, and most importantly, it’s enough. You will be a hero to a bundle of small, smiling faces; and you’ll understand that this is more than we could have ever asked for. I testify to you, Elder, that you are not lost to the Lord, and these surprising realities don’t mean you are forsaken or unloved, or that your mission was a waste of time. This mission prepared us for these challenges. One day we will be sealed, but if not in this life, guess what? Jesus Christ still lives, and the gospel is merciful, and God is kind. All in the Lord's time. I’ll warn you that God really listened when you said you loved that talk by Michael Wilcox about how the Lord tends to help us after letting us struggle till the 4th watch. You love that talk, right? Well, I don’t anymore Elder. You know why? Well it’s because those 4th watches are just too long. God saw that we loved that talk and added watches 5, 6, and 7 to our life plan for fun or something and I swear he’ll add more. Tell Elder Harper to wipe that talk from your memory with a priesthood blessing as soon as humanly possible because it’s had an undesirable effect…Your wife will take care of you, but please remember that she won’t know this you. You look different on the outside. You act differently when you have regular life’s burdens on your shoulders, and that’s okay. Your wife will have patience with your weaknesses. She’s sweet and just needs your kindness. You are not better than her because she isn’t concerned with church right now, okay? God knows her needs. Church participation is not a checkmark of how good of a person you are. It’s just your safe space. Have those conversations and be open with your love of the Savior. You chose her in marriage, and your marriage isn’t lesser because it wasn’t in the temple—that is a lie, and that lie will hurt your family, and that is not what God wants. The Lord doesn’t have a tier list of families that He loves more than others because some are more righteous or more organized or more whatever. God is more powerful and merciful than that sort of triviality of thought. You will have your chance to be with your family forever in the Lord's time and in His way. I know that is hard to hear, but trust the Lord, okay?? Keep trying, keep inviting. This is where your faith will come in. I know you feel like this is impossible right now because of where you stand, all set apart with a tag on your heart, but it gets harder. A lot harder. You will see that you still have a lot of the same weaknesses that the Lord didn’t quite take away yet, and that might make you angry and confused; you will suffer a broken heart from many angles. It’s going to be alright though because Jesus Christ lives… I need to wrap this up, but you need to know that you will meet a few more people one day, and when you do, you will know without a doubt that the Lord trusts you and loves you. They will need you to cling to the Savior for them. They are rays of light—they are our entire reason for life. They will bring you greater joy and purpose than what you feel even now. You already know I’m talking about children. I’ll tell you that one of their umbilical cords was tied in a knot when they were born. They almost didn’t make it, but the Lord was looking out for them through their mama. She knew something was off. When you hear their cry for the first time, your hard heart will become softer again, and the Spirit will floor you, and you will feel like a new life has begun. They are full of life and joy, and they are gifts. You are blessed beyond measure, Elder. The thorns in our side are nothing in comparison to the joys of being a father. Fatherhood is our promised land. All the pain is worth it and more for who they are. You will learn about Gods love for his children on a deeper level than you’ve experienced before. Be kind to yourself, Elder; your children need your love. They say the most angelic prayers. I don’t want to ruin too much of the fun! You’ll see, Elder, you’ll see.”

 

Thanks again, everyone, for sharing your testimony the other day. My family has been sick with what feels like COVID, and after the PPM mini zone conference, I was moved to write. This is usually how I process things most effectively for myself. Since this topic is so relatable I figured I would share. I am still deeply affected by missionaries that I met and served with in the field, and I thank every single one of you for what you taught me and still teach me. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I love seeing you guys go out and just slay life like it’s nothing—you guys are studs and studdettes and great examples that show me what can happen when a life is centered in Christ.

 

“Not now but in the coming years, it may not be when we demand. We’ll read the meaning of our tears and there, sometime, we’ll understand.”


Jordan Vassallo